October 2008
But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself (Psalm 49:15).”
Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s (Psalm 103:1-5).”
Look upon my suffering and deliver me, for I have not forgotten your law. Defend my cause and redeem me; preserve my life according to your promise (Psalm 119:153-154).”
I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm—my great army that I sent among you (Joel 2:25).”
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).”
Follow the way of love (1 Corinthians 14:1).”
The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love (Galatians 5:6).”
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity (Colossians 3:12-14).”
Diminutive, sinful girl sprawled on the
tear-soaked wood floor,
held captive from rising as
each endeavor draws her sin closer.
Drenched in horror of never escaping,
frantic avoidance of the increasing
heaviness bound to despair.
Bewilderment, havoc overwhelms:
How did I get here, so misunderstood?
Imprisoned to the floor in shaking torment,
until she stares her sin in the face.
Wrestle with herself, this sinful little part
bleeding yet, for she was never loved.
How could anyone, how could I
love her, sullied, miserable, appalling?
Truly despicable she – I are.
Me in You and her in me; you in us.
Love? Hah! How could You love us,
disgraceful us? And forgive,
that dreadful thing, wretched child?
Absolve me?! Kindness for all, but not me.
But, she is – I am, so contemptible, no, no, I
do not merit love, forgive me I cannot!
Grappling, the task before me is too great;
I cannot, no desire to pardon her.
This step; my only escape.
All behind and to come depends on this choosing.
A moment so pivotal: to face wretched me,
love her in her disgrace, release her
before we can go on, get up off the floor.
Since early childhood we grew apart,
You bring us together again.
Can I embrace her, will I, going on together?
Defeat. Bitter sobbing. No!
Movement. You? Hope is stirring!
Arms outstretched, Yes!
I love you! Yes, I forgive You,
so very worth it you are!
;She weeps, I ache; bottomless sorrow, resentment
falls away as in this love we embrace.
In doing so, I grasp perhaps never have I
truly loved another person.
Heartrending.
To be nothing resembling the one you strive to be.
A heart of compassion was mine, but love, no.
Here on the floor in all my wretchedness,
here is where I forgive myself,
where I learn to love me, love You,
discover what it is to love another person,
and in so doing I wound people less.
I think a journey learning to truly love
for the first time is a journey worth taking.
With the release of forgiving myself
I have the strength to get up.
Send glimpses into what it is to be free,
have a fresh mind on this sanctification walk.
It takes a strong person to allow You
to raise from a pit so vile, so despairing.
For the rest of my days may I love with all my might!
You were misunderstood, mistreated,
called bad when You did good.
Teach me to respond like You:
love, give, and endure regardless!
Break the cycle: deep anguish, intense anger.
Spiral begins please give a way out, at all costs,
even when the path of rage is so vast and necessary
and love seems so distant and unattainable.
Despite how dreadful the emotions,
I am craving, dying to live for You!
May I live and love serenely, as is my desire and
walk in Your way: the way of love?
Please part the clouds, make sunshine
rays to fall on me once more.
Provide this sign that I can still be loved,
I do have significance, am lovely;
that redemption, forgiveness, mercy, grace survives.
Teach me to love and glorify You, love and give to others,
enjoy You and life by being present in the moment!
Forgiven myself for the first time
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