Maureen (Bucks County, PA)

My sexual abuse was a suppressed memory. It wasn’t until high school when I became sexually active that the memory of my attack resurfaced. My attacker was my uncle. I was around 4 or 5 years old. Although I have always remembered the sexual encounter I experienced with my cousin (my attacker’s son) as a 7 year old. This I always knew was wrong, but didn’t understand why I was even curious to try. We both decided to try when we were playing house. I was the “mom” and he was the “dad”. Neither one of us till this day ever mention it to each other.

Once the memory of my attack resurfaced, I have always felt betrayed, sad, scared, weak, angry all the time, DIRTY AND WORTHLESS. Along with these feelings deep inside I always felt like I needed a man in my life or their attention. I felt as though I always had to please them. I never had the strength to say NO. I would want to, but couldn’t. Mostly because I feared what would happen  to me if I had said no. I even felt this way with men I was in long-term relationships with. I have always picked a man who was emotionally unavailable. I felt I had to HELP THEM. I became a very co-dependent person. Whenever my relationships failed I would always become promiscuous with the help of alcohol. I didn’t care about the consequences, I just needed to fill the pain and void inside. I would turn to alcohol so I would feel more comfortable. I was having unprotected sex. Sometimes with complete strangers. I would drink so much that the next morning I wouldn’t even remember the sexual encounter ever occurring.

I have kept my sexual abuse a complete secret. No one knew my darkest secret till the Fall of 2009. I started to feel it was okay to tell somebody about my abuse when I read a manuscript that was sitting on John’s(my ex) table. The manuscript was about a man’s childhood sexual abuse trauma (CSA) and his road to recovery. The manuscript’s author was my friend Peter, the founder of Let Go, Let Peace Come In foundation. Peter’s story touched my soul so deep and I admired him for finding the strength to even tell someone his story. As I have mentioned before, I have never told anyone about my abuse. I felt like it was my fault, alone, and dirty.

Peter told me about the LGLPCI foundation and gave me the contact number to a counselor/therapist, Annie, of The Starting Point. The LGLPCI foundation subsidized 30 sessions for me to begin my road to recovery of CSA. Together Annie and Allie(therapist of EMDR) have changed my life tremendously. I am still the same person I have always been, just a better, stronger version of myself. By my last session with Allie, I felt that pain and void deep inside disappear. Allie left me with the affirmation: I embrace my sexuality, it is an expression of my health, wholeness, and worthiness. I say this to myself everyday!!!! I know now I am not at fault for what has happened to me or for the impact my attack has had on me. My perpetrator is at fault and the cause. My sessions at the Starting Point has taught me and reminded me I am WORTHWHILE!
My sexual abuse was a suppressed memory. It wasn’t until high school when I became sexually active that the memory of my attack resurfaced. My attacker was my uncle. I was around 4 or 5 years old. Although I have always remembered the sexual encounter I experienced with my cousin (my attacker’s son) as a 7 year old. This I always knew was wrong, but didn’t understand why I was even curious to try. We both decided to try when we were playing house. I was the “mom” and he was the “dad”. Neither one of us till this day ever mention it to each other.