For 50 years I sought healing of my childhood abuse, but no matter where I sought it, the experts were cold sterile people devoid of human feelings.  My abuse began in the womb, as my mother did not want me. I was 9 months younger than my brother and she simply could not cope. So, all I ever remembered her saying was " you are a mistake" as she emotionally and psychologically abused me and most of my siblings daily. No matter how much I tried to please her, I was never good enough. At 4 years old, she decided to have me exorcised by the Catholic Cult and that caused me nightmares for 45 years. The pain and the torture can only be described as having my flesh ripped off my spine and then placed in boiling oil.

The boys in dresses were so cunning to leave no marks of course and they had a coffin ready in case I died, then my death was to be put down as death from the flu in 1958. Luckily for me, my father came home and caught them, dragged me away and cuddled me,ordering them out of our home. Of course in those days divorce did not exist in Ireland- not until 1996 in fact, so we were stuck with my mother. To be fair she had also suffered a cruel childhood, so the cycle merely continued.

I was determined to break this cycle of abuse. At 11 I was sexually abused by a neighbour. This went on for 2 years. I told my mother but she did nothing, except order me to wash my mouth out with soap and water. At 14 , on becoming a woman, I realized the seriousness of the sexual abuse and wanted to commit suicide, blaming myself, as I was brainwashed to do in the Catholic cult. To them all females are Satan. My brother made 2 attempts on my life, once with an axe and second by smothering. So, from that time on, I never slept deeply and always with one leg out of the bed, in case I needed to escape. The smothering almost worked and I have no idea where the strength came from to survive. My brother was not reprimanded in any way. My father brought me with him everywhere, lest my mother bring the priests in again.

On his death bed, my Dad cried and said how sorry he was for not being able to protect me from my mother all the time. I always was a loner, due to the fact that my mother did not allow us to have any friends at all. However, I met a man whom I thought loved me, but he turned out to be a psychopath and a child abuser. The worst part was that the authorities sided with him, who was abusing me psychologically and emotionally and physically and sexually abusing our children.

So,I learned now how  important to deal with childhood abuse before forming relationships- as I  attracted the same type of abuser as I had in childhood- though I  are not conscious of it. In court, I found that the child protectors had asked the Judge to remove the children into state care- state prison in fact- where they were to remain until 18 and were to receive Electric Shock Therapy to "remove memories of abuse" as the children were too strong willed like their mother. I went into a deep state of shock. Luckily enough police knew the truth and we went abroad before the court summons was delivered.

There we remained in hiding from the state child protectors for 14 years, moving house 128 times. No matter what it took, I did it to keep my children safe. All my property was taken from me and the children disinherited by the patriarchal court system. I disconnected with all my family and friends- every last one- as many supported the charming abuser. Now, they know truth, as he moved onto his next victim- a child who worked on the farm.

In 2004, I could not move with pain and I knew it was related to the abuse, PTSD and legal abuse syndrome, so I set about looking for someone  to help me. I got ME and was unable to walk for months. I knew I had the ability inside myself, but I was put off by many professionals in the past telling me that I was too far gone and healing was impossible.

I was determined to prove them wrong.

I came across a website with a shaman offering healing, so I mailed him to see if he could put me on the path to healing. Sure enough he did. I never met him. He merely let me be to write all my past out, to look at it, see I was not to blame. I chose to change the picture of each past abuse and send all the evil energy back to my abusers. One day he mailed me to congratulate me for surviving 50 yrs of abuse and for breaking the ancestral cycle of abuse and violence. I was shocked, as I had not realised totally what I was doing. I then looked at all the professionals I had gone to for help and how all of them had no real understanding of what abuse does to children and how it affects them in adulthood.

I would be rich if I had a pound for everyone that told me to get over it and move on. Like they brushed me off like sh*t on their shoe in such condescending manner. I then researched and studied what the professionals were being taught about abuse to see how it could be improved for others in the future. Sure they knew the theory of it, but not the FEELING. I could not find one professional with the ability- like my shaman- to tune into me and feel how I felt. I was hearing the same story from other adults who were abused as children. I then learned that the professionals are programmed to remain devoid of feeling and behave in a sterile manner, and it was that sterile manner which meant they were unable to reach my inner being. The good news is for all those who seek healing, it comes when the time is right.

It takes great courage to complete the healing journey, though it never really ends, but we learn to live with the pain. What I found is that I learn from those I help now. The logo for this site- Mother Earth and all those helping hands- says it all.

We are one family and we help each other.