THE SILENCE OF SHAME© – Michael Skinner 12/11/2008
Shame and the silence of shame that is associated with survivors of sexual abuse has bothered me for a long time. It has left me asking many questions of why over the years; why do survivors feel so much shame and the need and the desire to stay silent and keep it to themselves? Why? I know some of the answers, but certainly not all, and with this article I would hope that it might be a dialog between us. So if you are reading this, perhaps you might consider contacting me and letting me know your thoughts and ideas around this shame and the silence that so many of us stay hidden in and what can be done to unlock that deep shame, a shame we don’t deserve. This Silence of Shame is to heavy of a burden that no one should have to carry. We didn’t cause it and the guilt that is associated with our abuse should not be ours to bear. Unfortunately for too many of us, it is. So how can we change that dynamic and shift to a new way of thinking and feeling about ourselves?
First off, let me share with you a definition of shame, courtesy of The American Heritage Dictionary, Second College Edition.
Shame – noun. 1.a. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace. b. Capacity for such a feeling: Have you no shame? 2. A person or thing that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation. 3. A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy. 4. A great disappointment
Verb. Shamed, shaming, shames. 1.To cause to feel shame; put to shame. 2. To bring dishonor or disgrace upon. 3. To force by making ashamed: He was shamed into an apology.
As you can see, the word shame certainly has some pretty strong descriptive negative qualities about it, and it is certainly not a word and feeling that should be carried by the majority of us. Instead we should be thinking with great pride, self-respect, and honor, and be complimentary to ourselves for the great courage and perseverance that we have shown in having survived our ordeals. How can we turn things around so we give honor and thanks for what we have accomplished? We have survived impossible odds and we are some pretty amazing, resourceful, and decent human beings. How can we get the greater part of society to also start looking at these things in a different light? We honor those in the military, firemen, police officers, teachers, astronauts, doctors, nurses, and so many others who do good things and show great acts of courage and humanity. What we have survived also deserves recognition and applause. We should not be made to feel shame for that which was done to us. We didn’t cause it; it was done to us, yet it is we who carry that shame for so much of our life.
Despite all the wonderful things in life that I have done in giving back to society in so many ways, I too carry that shame and struggle with it everyday to rid myself of it. I will always be haunted by something my brother David said to me many years ago. He was a gentle man, a good man, a good husband, and so much more, yet he still took his own life. Once while visiting him at a military psychiatric hospital and asking him why he was doing what he was doing to hurt himself – he answered, “There are some things you can never forgive yourself for.” He said this to me after I had discussed with him what happened in the past to us as children was not his fault. His shame drove him to suicide, shame he never deserved. I also lost my brother Danny to suicide, another good guy with a heart of gold, but a ticking time-bomb ready to explode. He was very angry with me for sharing the family secrets and our last conversation haunts me as well; in a moment of quiet reflection, he calmly said to me – “there are some things better left unsaid”.
This question of why we carry this shame and silence had come up recently for me when I shared some news about a friend of mine, Margie McKinnon of The Lamplighters. At her website [www.thelamplighters.org] is a section where survivors can, “Stand Up And Be Counted.” I thought this was great, so I passed on the link to those on my e-mail list of Survivor Friends and Friends of Survivors. I have a pretty extensive mailing list developed over many years. I checked back later on to see what kind of a response took place at her website. Sadly, only several of those on my e-mail list had signed on. This got me to thinking about how so many stay silent, even as adults. Even looking at my e-mail list [my e-mail list stays anonymous to others] and realizing so many of the names are just a first name only, or a pseudonym, or a title like Lone Wolf, Dove Star, and other similar type names. Even with me they still hide their identity and it got me to thinking how sad and how unfortunate and how powerful is the grip of shame over so many.
The research and studies show that 1 in 4 females have been sexually abused; for males they say 1 in 6, though many believe those number to be higher because most males don’t report it. Given those statistics, we make up one of the largest segments of adults in the world, if not the largest. Yet for all intents and purposes we are the “Silent Majority”. Think of what we could accomplish if we all raised our collective voices up. Think of the true changes we could achieve if we spoke up and told the world and demanded the change and recognition we all so richly deserve. We have a new president coming into office that is all about change – imagine the change we would have if we let them know what it is we suffered and what we need to heal. Think of the floodgates that would open up if the millions of us logged onto our new president-elect’s website [www.change.gov ] and shared what we need to heal as survivors.
I hold no judgment to all of this, my judgment and anger rests with those who caused this shame and silence to the survivors. How can we change that? I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas, so please write to me at mikeskinner@comcast.net or the old fashioned way via the postal service. Please mail to:
Mike Skinner
141 English Village Rd. # 11
Manchester, NH 03102
www.mskinnermusic.com – Hope, Healing, & Help for Trauma, Abuse, & Mental Health through music, resources, and advocacy.
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